Define "chronic" masturbator.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
