I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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