worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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