i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
