TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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