I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
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He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
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Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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