ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
