i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
