Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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