i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
