He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
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He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
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He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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