i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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