Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
