Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
