when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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