I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
