hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
