i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
