He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
