just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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