Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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