I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
