There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
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I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
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Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize