There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
