she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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