I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
