just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
