i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
