dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
