Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I take back everything I said about communal showers
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
