I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
