Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
