im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
