and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Randomize
