totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
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