oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
