a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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