I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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