Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
