When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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