Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
