his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize