My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
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