meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
