May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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