I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
