i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
