oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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