You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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