I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
