I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
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