Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
