When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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