i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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