You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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