Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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