Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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