Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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