He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
